Conflict Resolution
Are you tired of being a goat and butting heads with some people? Would you like to learn a few simple steps that can help you avoid these conflicts? Or get you out of the conflicts that come your way? Time to take responsibility for you and learn to work with others.
Are you tired of being a goat and butting heads with some people? Would you like to learn a few simple steps that can help you avoid these conflicts? Or get you out of the conflicts that come your way? Time to take responsibility for you and learn to work with others.
The first things you should do is take action of every interaction you will have from now on.
- Clarify what you expect. And if you're already in conflict, clarify what expectations weren't met.
- Believe the best intentions of the other person.
- Don't allow worries, hurts, or other negatives to fester or interfere.
- Never, ever gossip about or criticize the other person.
- Contact the other person directly and calmly to resolve any issue that occurs.
- Do this all immediately without giving negative feelings time to grow.
Conflicts will come, and leaders don't avoid them.
First rule in conflict resolution is to never assume the worst intentions. Try not to assume their intentions in any form. Always ask. We are all human beings, capable of so much good, but also imperfect, impetuous, unreasonable, and overly emotional at times. The wrong communication is worse than a bad solution. When a problem arises deal with it directly and immediately. Know specifically what your expectations and intentions to the other person. As soon as you sense conflict, sit down with the other person, calmly address the situation, and apologize for your role in the mix up. When conflict isn't resolved, it doesn't go away but only goes underground. None of us are perfect, so if there is a conflict, you can truthfully take some of the responsibility for it. Even if you were clueless that a conflict was occurring, you can take responsibility for not communicating more clearly and knowing how the other person was feeling. |
Step 1 Affirm the Relationship
"I may be uncomfortable, but I am here because I value our relationship much more than my comfort and more than the details of the conflict."
"I'm sure there was some misunderstanding and I want to know how I could have done better and in turn, make it right."
The closer the relationship is, the bigger risk of a real hurt ...a long lasting hurt can occur.
Make sure that you communicate respect, admiration, and concern for the other person. Remember that they have feelings just like you do, even if they look and seem different than yours.
If you pay them a compliment to affirm them, make sure that it is authentic and not something filled with fluff to try and make them feel better. Also try to make it specific for them. I like to tell people that they are Awesome and Amazing because we all are, but that is not specific enough if I was having a conflict with someone. I would have to tell them why they are Awesome and Amazing.
Often what you think happened and what really occurred are two different things.
"I may be uncomfortable, but I am here because I value our relationship much more than my comfort and more than the details of the conflict."
"I'm sure there was some misunderstanding and I want to know how I could have done better and in turn, make it right."
The closer the relationship is, the bigger risk of a real hurt ...a long lasting hurt can occur.
Make sure that you communicate respect, admiration, and concern for the other person. Remember that they have feelings just like you do, even if they look and seem different than yours.
If you pay them a compliment to affirm them, make sure that it is authentic and not something filled with fluff to try and make them feel better. Also try to make it specific for them. I like to tell people that they are Awesome and Amazing because we all are, but that is not specific enough if I was having a conflict with someone. I would have to tell them why they are Awesome and Amazing.
Often what you think happened and what really occurred are two different things.
Step 2 Seek first to Understand
The key to allowing the other person to be understood is a tool called "mirroring".
You need to really listen to what the other person is saying and then say it back to them in your own words.
"What I hear you saying is ... am I getting that right?"
Then listen some more. Continue until they stop talking.
Don't ask questions that could lead them off of the topic that you are discussing. The conflict will just rebury itself if not completely resolved.
Don't justify yourself if they say something that doesn't sound right to you. Ask a question if you heard them correctly. You will get a chance to talk and be heard.
Don't interrupt to point out flaws, mistakes, or factual errors. Ask more questions.
You can tell that mirrroring is working when they start pointing out the places where they were wrong and the part they played in the conflict.
Until that occurs, you need to keep asking questions about what they are trying to say.
Always remember that it's people who feel hurt that hurt other people.
To heal, they need to feel understood. To feel understood, they need to feel heard.
The key to allowing the other person to be understood is a tool called "mirroring".
You need to really listen to what the other person is saying and then say it back to them in your own words.
"What I hear you saying is ... am I getting that right?"
Then listen some more. Continue until they stop talking.
Don't ask questions that could lead them off of the topic that you are discussing. The conflict will just rebury itself if not completely resolved.
Don't justify yourself if they say something that doesn't sound right to you. Ask a question if you heard them correctly. You will get a chance to talk and be heard.
Don't interrupt to point out flaws, mistakes, or factual errors. Ask more questions.
You can tell that mirrroring is working when they start pointing out the places where they were wrong and the part they played in the conflict.
Until that occurs, you need to keep asking questions about what they are trying to say.
Always remember that it's people who feel hurt that hurt other people.
To heal, they need to feel understood. To feel understood, they need to feel heard.
Step 3 Seek to be Understood
The other person needs positive feelings that come from knowing what was going on in your mind. They need to stop imagining what you were thinking to put things to rest.
Make sure you state simple facts and that you don't assign any blame. Especially if your personality tends to lean toward reprimanding or correcting. Try to speak their "language" so that you can be completely understood.
Don't ever justify, blame, or lecture as you share. Focus on how you feel, not on what the other person should have done.
Don't assign motives to the other person.
Don't speak in attacking or accusing words or tones of voice. Don't use emotionally charged words.
Remember that your goal is resolution.
Remember that if this is done well, resolution can make the future relationship and projects even stronger and easier to accomplish.
The other person needs positive feelings that come from knowing what was going on in your mind. They need to stop imagining what you were thinking to put things to rest.
Make sure you state simple facts and that you don't assign any blame. Especially if your personality tends to lean toward reprimanding or correcting. Try to speak their "language" so that you can be completely understood.
Don't ever justify, blame, or lecture as you share. Focus on how you feel, not on what the other person should have done.
Don't assign motives to the other person.
Don't speak in attacking or accusing words or tones of voice. Don't use emotionally charged words.
Remember that your goal is resolution.
Remember that if this is done well, resolution can make the future relationship and projects even stronger and easier to accomplish.
Step 4 Own the Responsibility and Sincerely Apologize
You should take as much of the conflict as possible, within the realm of truth.
None of us are perfect, so if there is conflict, you can truthfully take some of the responsibility for it.
Even if you were clueless that a conflict was occurring, you can take responsibility for not communicating more clearly and know how the other person was feeling.
Take responsibility and then sincerely apologize. Do this repeatedly and whenever it is appropriate.
Taking responsibility will not just help the other person but will also help you feel better.
Every chance we miss to take honest responsibility when we should or could is a strike against us.
Leaders take responsibility - not just for any mistakes but also for not stepping up and doing anything they could have done to avoid problems or make things better.
Leaders don't just sincerely apologize; they also sincerely accept apologies.
Once you have accepted an apology, move on. control your thoughts, and don't rehash old news or dredge up further negative notions about the other person. Be disciplined on this.
You should take as much of the conflict as possible, within the realm of truth.
None of us are perfect, so if there is conflict, you can truthfully take some of the responsibility for it.
Even if you were clueless that a conflict was occurring, you can take responsibility for not communicating more clearly and know how the other person was feeling.
Take responsibility and then sincerely apologize. Do this repeatedly and whenever it is appropriate.
Taking responsibility will not just help the other person but will also help you feel better.
Every chance we miss to take honest responsibility when we should or could is a strike against us.
Leaders take responsibility - not just for any mistakes but also for not stepping up and doing anything they could have done to avoid problems or make things better.
Leaders don't just sincerely apologize; they also sincerely accept apologies.
Once you have accepted an apology, move on. control your thoughts, and don't rehash old news or dredge up further negative notions about the other person. Be disciplined on this.
Step 5 Seek Agreement
Once the hurts have been flushed, you can reconnect at the place where you started.
You need to agree that in the future you will both avoid repeating the same mistakes by always talking to each other immediately and directly if the issue ever arises or seems to be arising.
Always spend time and energy talking about the future. Look for the opportunity that has resulted from the conflict.
Leaders don't settle for fixing a conflict, they look for ways to cooperatively turn it into a major victory.
If relationships aren't improving, they won't remain the same; they'll backtrack. Nothing ever stays the same.
Once the hurts have been flushed, you can reconnect at the place where you started.
You need to agree that in the future you will both avoid repeating the same mistakes by always talking to each other immediately and directly if the issue ever arises or seems to be arising.
Always spend time and energy talking about the future. Look for the opportunity that has resulted from the conflict.
Leaders don't settle for fixing a conflict, they look for ways to cooperatively turn it into a major victory.
If relationships aren't improving, they won't remain the same; they'll backtrack. Nothing ever stays the same.
Don't spread the problem to other people.
Gossip is often used to justify one's position with others, when it has not been justified by legitimate conflict resolution.
Stephen Covey called not gossiping, "having integrity to those not present".
Make sure you are protecting the other person's reputation.
If someone gossips to you, simply ask them, "Can I quote you on this?" It let's them know that you are going to go directly to the person being discussed and will either end the gossip or start some conflict resolution.
The world is filled with people who are unwilling to improve themselves and instead choose to tear down others.
The biggest leader do speak behind others backs ...but it's only the good things.
The more you put a stop to the gossip train, the more respect you will receive. You will also make your community a better place to live because others will know that there are people like you there who will only speak good of others and will look out for each other in making sure only the truth is shared.
Gossip is often used to justify one's position with others, when it has not been justified by legitimate conflict resolution.
Stephen Covey called not gossiping, "having integrity to those not present".
Make sure you are protecting the other person's reputation.
If someone gossips to you, simply ask them, "Can I quote you on this?" It let's them know that you are going to go directly to the person being discussed and will either end the gossip or start some conflict resolution.
The world is filled with people who are unwilling to improve themselves and instead choose to tear down others.
The biggest leader do speak behind others backs ...but it's only the good things.
The more you put a stop to the gossip train, the more respect you will receive. You will also make your community a better place to live because others will know that there are people like you there who will only speak good of others and will look out for each other in making sure only the truth is shared.
The Law of the Wall
Roadblocks can come in many forms, but one thing is certain: They will come. There simply is no progress...without them. No success is ever attained unless you feel a call, take action to achieve it, and then run into significant challenges. These challenges are not just standing in the way of your success; they are opportunities...Keep in mind that whatever forms the roadblock may take, its purpose is to bring you more success.
If you respond to walls and challenges correctly, they will help you progress much better than you would without them. In learning to climb the walls, we become better, stronger, and more able to do great things. If there were no walls, we wouldn't ever need to improve.
Roadblocks can come in many forms, but one thing is certain: They will come. There simply is no progress...without them. No success is ever attained unless you feel a call, take action to achieve it, and then run into significant challenges. These challenges are not just standing in the way of your success; they are opportunities...Keep in mind that whatever forms the roadblock may take, its purpose is to bring you more success.
If you respond to walls and challenges correctly, they will help you progress much better than you would without them. In learning to climb the walls, we become better, stronger, and more able to do great things. If there were no walls, we wouldn't ever need to improve.
To Sum It All Up
People are not perfect; never will be.
Hurting people hurt people.
The best way to resolve conflict is to not create it for one.
Another way is to understand others. Look and see if there is something else that may be causing the conflict. If there's not, then it's time to put the action steps into use.
Affirm the other person and allow them to know that they can trust you and that you are there to listen to them. Make sure that they understand that you are there for them and not just to make yourself feel better or to make the conflict go away.
Be a great listener. Which means that you let them talk first and you keep asking questions until they are all done talking.
Then you get your chance to be understood and this is where your true leadership skills will step in. Make sure that you do not place blame and that you focus on how the situation is affecting you.
Then come up with a win-win solution and find something else you could work on together to show that the conflict is left behind and that you can be a success together.
Obstacles will come. Make sure you have your climbing shoes on and be prepared to climb over it. Because tunneling underneath is dangerous and could lead to is all collapsing upon you. Walking around it will take a really long time and you may never get to the other side, kind of like the Grand Canyon.
People are not perfect; never will be.
Hurting people hurt people.
The best way to resolve conflict is to not create it for one.
Another way is to understand others. Look and see if there is something else that may be causing the conflict. If there's not, then it's time to put the action steps into use.
Affirm the other person and allow them to know that they can trust you and that you are there to listen to them. Make sure that they understand that you are there for them and not just to make yourself feel better or to make the conflict go away.
Be a great listener. Which means that you let them talk first and you keep asking questions until they are all done talking.
Then you get your chance to be understood and this is where your true leadership skills will step in. Make sure that you do not place blame and that you focus on how the situation is affecting you.
Then come up with a win-win solution and find something else you could work on together to show that the conflict is left behind and that you can be a success together.
Obstacles will come. Make sure you have your climbing shoes on and be prepared to climb over it. Because tunneling underneath is dangerous and could lead to is all collapsing upon you. Walking around it will take a really long time and you may never get to the other side, kind of like the Grand Canyon.
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